How about Monday morning?
No, I have a thing with someone from CIA.
Johnson someone or other.
- It's about that whole Kinsey thing. - Any big plans for the weekend?
Oh, yeah. Big. Huge!
- Yeah. Me neither. - What are you talking about?
I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world famous omelet.
- World famous, huh? What's in it? - Eggs.
I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient.
I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.
It's beer, isn't it?
Let me call you back.
I knew it.
Hello.
- You're Jack O'Neill. - Yes.
Here's a better question- who are you?
It doesn't matter to anyone.
All you need to know is...
you ruined my life.
We should have gotten here earlier, when the real deals were still available.
Honey, it's 7:00 a.m.
Joe, start there and see if you can find a lamp that would work in the TV room.
Oh, my Lord, look!
They have those old English tea tins.
- Security breached. - They just got corridor C9 open.
All right. Let's go.
Excuse me.
How much?
So there's this fella who walks into a bar, and he sees an ape sitting there-
Sorry, no. He sees a gorilla.
That's it. Right.
There's this gorilla sitting there drinking a Coke.
So he says to the bartender...
"Hey, what's with that gorilla drinking that drink?"
Well, the bartender says, "Yeah.
That ape usually orders a Coke."
I mean, a beer. He usually orders a beer.
Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla? They're a completely different species, you know.
It doesn't matter. The point is-
The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair.
Very good, Fred.
- Are we about done here? - All set.
Because someone somewhere out there...
needs themselves a new car, whether they know it or not.
I feel the power to sell moving through me today!
Boys, it's been a slice.
- Thanks, Fred. - See ya, Fred.
Bow down now.
Show your reverence for my son...
the mighty warrior Klorel.
Hail Apophis.
Oh, we are reading the best book in book club this week.
It's called The Heart of a Woman.
It is such a powerful story. Oh, every time I think about it, l-
- You want to hear a story? - Sure. What happened today at the shop?
No, it's not work related. I have a story.
- What do you mean? - You know, like in those books you read.
Only different.
Okay, sure.
It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1.
They travel to other planets...
through an alien device known as a Stargate.
Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack-
O'Neill, prepare yourself for...
extreme deceleration.
Yeah. Thanks, Teal'c.
You will get to see your home one last time...
before you...
and everyone on your planet...
are destroyed...
and your kind will disturb the Goa'uld no more.
So, who are the Goa'uld again?
The bad guys.
And this "Skaara" character?
Yeah, I thought you said his name was Klorel.
I know it's a little complicated. Just wait.
I haven't gotten to the good part yet.
I'm sorry.
That's it?
I think so. For now, anyways.
What happens to Earth?
I don't know. I mean, I haven't figured that part out yet.
You gotta finish it, Dad. You can't just end a story in the middle.
I tell you what-
you get all your chores done, and I'll finish the story tomorrow.
Chores? What are we, Amish?
- Andy! - Go do your homework.
He's gotten so precocious.
You hated it, didn't you?
Well, you know, I'm not the biggest science-fiction fan.
But, no, no. It was-
It was just so detailed. How did you come up with it?
Honestly, I don't know. It just sort of popped into my head.
That's amazing, really.
What didn't you like about it?
Don't get me wrong. It was exciting.
It's just that, personally...
I like stories that are more about interpersonal relations...
and a little less to do with things blowing up.
A giant fireball in the night sky!
You say these folks are a military unit?
Yeah, they're part of the US Air Force.
But they travel to other planets.
Through the Stargate.
Which is a time-travel machine.
It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole...
allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds.
- Time has nothing to do with it. - Boss, a question.
- These Gould- - Goa'ulds.
Never mind. The bad guys.
- They've got snakes in their heads? - Symbiotes, yes.
What about the fellas with the ones in their bellies?
They're Jaffa. They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation.
Now, you see, Joe, that's confusing.
He's right, boss. Why can't there be just one kind of bad guy?
You know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end.
- You could call 'em the Snake People. - Yeah. Snake People is good.
They're not called the Snake People. They're called the Goa'uld.
And the Jaffa aren't bad guys.
They're enslaved warriors who mistakenly believe that the Goa'uld are their gods.
And it's not confusing, it's complex!
Edge of my seat the whole time.
United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?
Hi. I'm trying to reach one of your officers...
a Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Two L's.
May I have your name, please, and the nature of your call?
- My name? - Yes, please.
Right. Right. Of course.
My name is Joe... Smith.
Listen, I realize Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable...
off on some important mission somewhere, but-
I know this is an odd request.
I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally, but...
could you describe him to me?
You know, height, weight, shoe size, sense of humor, that sort of thing.
I really can't do that, sir.
Oh. Of course. Sure.
National security.
Now, am I understanding correctly...
that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the air force?
Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?
That's fine. Thank you.
So, in the end...
Rya'c was freed from Apophis's control.
Teal'c, Drey'auc, and Rya'c were once again a family.
But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command...
to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa?
Of course. He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.
So, the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?
That's right. Now, go to sleep.
Cool story, Dad.
Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?
I don't know.
Fully formed ideas, plots, characters- they just appear in your head?
Basically.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity...
accessed your wellspring of imagination.
What?
I've read about this happening to other people.
You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.
My inner muse?
It's your midlife crisis.
It is?
Except instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car...
or going hang-gliding...
you're seeking immortality through creativity.
- We can't afford a sports car. - Honey, it's a good thing.
Especially if it means you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.
Wait. You said Teal'c put his face up to that head-grabber thing before O'Neill.
Why didn't he get grabbed first?
Guys, I told you. Save your questions until I finish.
Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind...
managed to dial a gate address...
one they had never dialed before.
The Asgard?
Those little gray guys. Right.
Shut up and let him finish, Bert.
And...
I don't want to sound ungrateful...
because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head.
But you folks should understand...
that we're out there now.
We might not be ready for a lot of this stuff...
but we're doing the best we can.
You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the fifth race.
What about the Furlings? Are we ever going to hear about them?
Oh, of course. I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them.
I mean, I'll make one up.
Furlings. They sound cute.
Like Ewoks.
Andy, finish up, or you're going to miss your bus, sweetie.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
I want that lawn done today. It looks like a wheat field's growing in our backyard.
After school, Mom. I promise.
Son, you get that lawn finished...
and I'll tell you all about the Reetou.
Cool!
See you, Mom. See you, Dad.
- The Reetou? - Foothold situation at the SGC.
Joe, don't take this the wrong way...
but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.
- Why? - Nothing.
It's just, well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.
People? What people?
Not everyone wants to hear aboutJack O'Neill and SG-1...
every time they come in for a haircut.
They like hearing my stories.
Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop.
Sam at the drugstore said you talk his ear off every time you're there...
and Marjory at the bank, and Lenny at the gas station.
Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse.
Now you want me to stop?
What if you write them down?
You mean, like a... writer?
Put them on paper.
You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines.
That way, if people want to read them, they can.
Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just a few more seconds.
It's going to have to be close enough. Go!
Young Lieutenant Hammond...
faced a tough decision.
Yet the strange foursome...
hardly seemed like Soviet spies.
Honey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Come to bed.
Just let me finish this story.
You said that last night and the night before. You've got to get up in 4 hours.
How are you going to cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day?
In a minute.
They embraced, and he looked into her eyes one last time.
He walked away with sadness in his heart...
and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again.
- The end. - That poor woman.
Do you think...
she was with child?
You'll just have to wait until the sequel.
- You've got to be kidding me. - I got something in my eye.
Oh, you're such a softy.
See you tonight, honey.
- Bye. - Bye, Cindy.
- Morning, boys. - Hey, Calvin.
Joe, looks like you got some letters from those magazines in New York.
"Thank you for your submission.
Unfortunately"-
"Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future."
See, I'm not sure you should've sent in this one about Seth.
- It wasn't one of your best. - They rejected "Hathor?"
But it was gold!
- Dad. - I'm writing!
Seriously, Dad, you've got to see this.
Prepare for an extreme adventure.
What?
Check it out.
Four excellent heroes... in an extraordinary new sci-fi series...
starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter of fact, it does say "Colonel'"on my uniform.
There's no such thing as original thought anymore.
We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas over and over again...
boiling them down to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.
Introducing Douglas Anders as Grell, the robot.
Wormhole X-treme- coming this fall.
They stole my idea.
Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit you guys had against-
- What was that show called? - Wormhole X-treme?
Nah, it was canceled only after one episode.
- Bad ratings. - I liked it.
Not as much as your stories, boss.
Actually, I have a new one. Just came to me last night.
SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth-
I saw the movie. Hits Paris.
Nah, this is different.
It starts when this amateur astronomer-
Actually, Joe, if it's all right with you, I'm not really in the mood.
Oh, come on, now. Don't you want to know how SG-1 stops it?
Here, I'll just tell you.
Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the ship until it surrounds-
Look, no offense, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis?
- What's it up to now, five, six times? - This is about Anubis. Apophis is dead.
What's the diff? You know what I'm saying? It's getting a little repetitive.
I mean, come on now. There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1.
You guys play golf?
Joe, I need to talk to you.
- Just a second, honey. I'm in the zone. - Honey, stop typing.
- Writing. - Please.
What's up?
I want you to stop.
I just did.
I mean permanently.
- What? - I've been going over our bills-
You closed the shop early three times this week to come home and write.
I closed the shop because business has been slow.
- And you don't see the connection? - Don't worry.
Once I get a few stories published, land an agent, things'll get better.
Three hundred and twenty-six.
That's how many rejection letters you've received.
You only need one "yes."
They're not reading them anymore, just sending them back unopened.
Bert and Gordie like them.
They work for you. What else are they going to say?
You haven't even read them all.
I read "Holiday," "The Light," "The Sentinel."
Okay, I admit those may have been a few small missteps.
- But they're getting better, aren't they? - I don't know.
What do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.
Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction...
isn't what it used to be in the beginning.
- You hate them all? - No, I don't.
I hate what this is doing to you.
You really want me to stop?
Joe, how can this really be more important than your livelihood?
Than your family?
Honestly, Charlene, I don't think I can stop.
Why not?
These stories...
I think-
Think? You think what?
I think they're real, Charlene.
I'm not making them up. They're happening somewhere.
I can see them because of the stone.
I can't explain it. Somehow I think it allows me to see these incredible things.
That you believe are really happening?
Yes! Here, try it.
Where is it?
Did you take it?
Charlene, what'd you do with it?
Charlene! What have you done with my stone?
It was for your own good!
Has he totally lost it or what?
Joe, please. You need help.
Son, if you know where it is, tell me. I'm not mad. I just need my stone.
- Mom? - You leave him out of this!
Joe, please! You're scaring us.
Yes!
Where are you going?
I don't know.
He can't be gone.
He's dead.
Daniel's dead.
He can't be dead.
Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.
- Calvin. - Gentlemen.
Slow day?
What have you got, Calvin?
Looks like a stack of bills and a couple more letters from those magazines.
Toss them.
There's also another letter here from the air force.
You read it.
"Dear Mr. Spencer...
Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill...
we regret to inform you that"-
Hey, Joe...
if you're so sure this is all real...
then why don't you follow it up with more than just letters?
Call them up. Tell them what you know. If it really is true-
Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.
- You think? - Believe me.
If the government didn't get me, NI D is sure to. I've seen it happen.
Remember Armin Selig?
Dead.
Right.
Well, look...
I gotta get back to my route now.
- You guys take care. - Thanks, Calvin.
Hi, Jack.
Daniel.
I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.
Yes!
Charlene! Charlene, you won't believe it.
Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible. Daniel's still alive.
I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he-
What are you doing?
Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while.
If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage...
you'll see someone who can help you.
I don't need a shrink.
Honey, don't do this. Please.
Come on! Honey!
Come on. We can work things out.
Charlene, look, our problems are small compared-
Wait, just- Let's talk.
- Can we just talk this out? - Good-bye, Joe. I'll call you later.
Wait! Charlene!
Dear Colonel O'Neill...
I understand you are a very busy man.
However, I must wonder if you are actually getting...
each and every piece of correspondence I send you.
I have written many letters and left countless messages with the air force...
but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you.
Because of this, I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands...
and come clean with you.
I know everything.
- Geez, you scared the hell out of me. - I'm sorry.
It's okay, Gordie. I'm just glad it's you.
Boss, if it's all right with you, me and Bert are going to head home.
It looks like nobody's coming in again today.
Yeah.
Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but-
What is it?
Well, it's been really slow around here, and...
I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.
I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Thanks, boss. Good night.
Night.
Activating hyperdrive!
Standing straight up.
Come on, boys! Have at 'em!
Sir!
Thanks for seeing me. You look great.
- How are you? - Oh, I'm good.
- Very good. - Good.
I'm sorry about everything that's happened.
I drove you and Andy away. I understand that now.
- Joe- - Just let me finish.
I was too wrapped up in the stories to realize what was important.
I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business, on providing for my family...
if you'll give me another chance.
It was never about the money, Joe.
It was your obsession with that stone.
I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation.
That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.
This is whatJack O'Neill actually looks like.
I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind...
long before it was in the paper.
And here. This report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago.
It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis's fleet.
And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine?
It happened the same time Anubis's ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
It just means that you're using real people and events...
and incorporating them in your fantasies.
They're not fantasies. Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command.
There is no Stargate Command!
Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms.
They think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis...
combined with grandiose delusions.
But with therapy and medication...
you could probably live a normal life.
Oh, my God.
They're fighting in Antarctica for Earth's very survival.
Anubis's fleet is in orbit above us right now.
Joe, stop it. It's not real.
You don't understand!
If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology in time...
we're all dead!
Good-bye, Joe.
It's happening, Charlene!
You'll see! It's real!
Okay, look.
This obviously isn't your forte.
So why don't you just put the gun down before you get hurt.
Don't come any closer.
I know your gun isn't real.
However, mine is.
Oh, God! I'm sorry. You're right. It's just a toy. Please don't shoot me.
- I'm not going to shoot you. - I'm sorry.
I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.
Oh, where you're going people will listen.
They've got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say.
They've got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.
Please wait.
You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill...
head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain.
You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter.
You once visited a planet called Argos...
and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially.
You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge...
downloaded into your brain twice.
You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing...
Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot...
and you're a terrible Ping-Pong player.
- Have we met? - My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber.
It's all true, isn't it?
Everything I've seen-
the Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards.
It's all real.
Tell me it's real. I need to know.
Well, first of all, Joe...
I'm not a terrible Ping-Pong player.
Between you and me, I totally see the analogy.
Burns as Goa'uld.
- Thank you. - And don't worry.
I won't say a word about your feelings for-
This is such an honor.
I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet.
There are not enough words.
It's nice to meet you too.
Joe Spencer.
I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.
Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.
And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes-
Dr. Jackson, can I just say thank goodness you're back?
Not thatJonas was a bad guy...
but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1.
Thank you. Jack?
He's a barber.
- Broke into your house? - Yeah.
Second week in a row.
- Alarm. - I'm thinking dog.
You could try locking your front door.
Joe, the barber.
Please be seated.
What have you got there, Carter?
Initial tests show thatJoe possesses the same Ancient gene as you do.
I just want you to know if you ever need me...
to use the chair device in Antarctica in defense of the planet, I'm there.
Thank you.
Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.
Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?
Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?
Yes. Good question. Pray tell.
Unfortunately, our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly limited.
The only other thing we know is...
Joe has somehow managed to gain access to huge amounts...
of classified information, mainly in regard to SG-1...
and that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found.
Anything on that?
Daniel's looking into it. He did say there was something familiar about it.
You claim to receive these visions only within the proximity of the stone.
Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions.
The hair makes you look different, but didn't you use to be more gold-colored?
I think I've got it.
It took me a while to track it down, but-
- You have one too? - Think they're a set.
Jack, you remember P3R-233? The planet where l-
Where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality...
where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.
- Hey, fella. - Hi, Jack.
- This all the stuff we brought back from- - P3R-233? Yeah.
Came down to help me catalog it?
You bet. My favorite.
But it's all going to have to wait.
Hammond called a briefing.
We got some intel back...
indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought.
Something about...
Chulak.
I think the stones were a kind of Ancient long-range communication device...
allowing people to see events over great distances through some psychic connection.
Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone.
After that, all that would be required...
is a certain proximity to the stone for the connection to be activated.
Seeing as how the stone was being stored in the base archives-
But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the-Where was it?
A garage sale.
The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.
But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue.
If the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here...
how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the general off-world?
He was getting most of it from when Jack was writing his reports here on the base.
The stone was being stored just a few levels above.
That's why the stories were so easy to write.
It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
And you say they all got rejected?
Wait a second.
If the stones work the way Daniel says...
shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life as well?
Theoretically, yes, he would.
Bowling league Thursday nights?
- You saw that? - You got game, son.
Wait a minute.
You've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years...
and you never mentioned it?
Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
No. No, you didn't, sir.
I didn't?
- You didn't find that the least bit odd? - Actually, no.
I found it quite... relaxing.
I only have 10 minutes, and I really need to get right back to work.
There's no easy way to say this- I want a divorce.
I know. I mean, you have every right to.
But before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you.
Here he comes now.
Charlene, meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.
It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
I think we have some things to talk about.
It's all true.